Stank On A Plane

One of the perks of my job is that I get to travel.  I don't travel much anymore, but I was recently asked to go see a few customers in Portland and was excited to get away for a few days by myself.  I decided to leave on the Sunday, mainly so I didn't waste most of my day Monday travelling.

The downside to travelling to Portland is that there are only 2 flights a day out of Calgary to Seattle via Horizon Airlines.  The first leaves at 6:30 in the morning and the other leaves much later in the day.  Alas, I had to be at the airport before 5 to ensure I got on my flight.

I did arrive at the airport around 4:45 AM and got myself in line to check in.  I waited, and waited, and waited, and waited.  Did I mention I waited?  For over 45 minutes, the same 2 families were standing at the counter while the ticket agents tried to help them.  It drives me nuts when people travel by air and don't have what they need and then back everyone else up while they get sorted out.

Needless to say, everyone in line is starting to panic a little, because the flight was supposed to close at 5:30 and we still had to get through Customs and then security.  By 5:45, I was at the ticket counter and less than a minute later, I was on my way to Customs.  That's how it's done people, have your confirmation and passport in hand and pre-pay your luggage fee.  Sigh.

Customs was a breeze - once again, I had everything prepared, signed and ready to go.  Stampy stamp, I'm on my way. 

Then I hit the security line.  Dead. Stop.

I could not have been more frustrated - every single person in every single line had something wrong with their bags.  I get that paying $20 for your bag might cause you to just do carry-on.  However, if you are carrying on, then follow the rules - put your liquids in small containers in a plastic bag OUTSIDE your bag.  Sounds simple right?  Well, it seems as though everyone thinks they don't have to follow these rules. 

Security was having to open and check each bag coming through, remove the offending items and then re-run them through the x-ray machine.  You can imagine my frustration watching this and knowing I'm already late for my flight.  However, I knew other people from my flight were behind and the gate agent came through and told us they were holding our flight for us.  Super.

All I had was my purse and my laptop.  I was wearing flip-flops and paid the $20 charge for my bag so there was nothing to getting me through.  I made my way to the gate and still had time for a coffee- they were delaying boarding because so many people were held up.

I know it was early, we were all tired and maybe didn't get to do our morning constitutionals like we do every day, but it was about half way through the flight when...

someone farted.

This was not your average fart people.  It wafted about the whole plane, filling our nostrils.  And there was nowhere for it to go, as we're on a plane and can't open the window to let fresh air in.  Gross, I know.  But if that wasn't enough...

they farted again.

Hey people, I'm not judging, I've farted many times in public and it ain't always pretty.  But I can say with absolute certainty I have NEVER farted on a plane.  Not to say I never would or will, but wow, after the first one, I think I would have gone to the bathroom on board and tried to pass the gas in private.

I survived.

I met up with my friends Jerry and Julia and we had a super fun day shopping around and catching up (I haven't seen either of them for over 5 years).  It was a little bit short but some time is better than no time.

I had my client meetings and got set for my flight home.  The flight from Portland to Seattle was quick and easy and thankfully, I had a seat to myself (when you have ample hips like myself, it's really nice on those little planes to not have to squish yourself in beside somebody).  I landed in Seattle and had about an hour to kill before my plane took off to Calgary.

Just before the plane started boarding, I asked the counter agent if I could have a seat to myself if the plane wasn't full.  Once again, they were able to accomodate me, but I would have to sit at the back of the plane.  Big deal, these days, they load from the front and the back so I didn't care where I sat. 

Big mistake.

There I was, happily settled in my seat, air blowing in my face.  Life was good.  Then a lady came to the row of seats ahead of me, and when she went to put her carryon bag up above the seat, this waft of body odour hit me like a ton of bricks.  What the h?  I was tired, on the last leg of my journey home and then this?  The worst thing was that she just couldn't seem to get her air vent or light quite right so she had to keep fiddling with it.  And you guessed it - every time she lifted her arm, stink-o-rama.

I will try to explain just how bad this smell was.  Imagine not showering or doing laundry and wearing the same clothes for about a month.  Put maybe some garlic with a dash or two of very aromatic spices and this is what I got every time I took a breath.  The people the row over and back from me were also effected by the smell, so I know it wasn't just me.

And the icing on this cake?  She brought fish and chips on board with her for dinner.  I kid you not.  It was literally a buffet of disgusting smells.  Why, when there is no where to go, no way out, was I caught behind this woman?

After the flight attendants did their first round of service, the one noticed that 4 of us were breathing in to our shirts trying to protect our poor olfactory receptors.  Moments later, we were presented with cinnamon teabags to hang off the table trays and give us a little bit of relief.  That did get us through the rest of the trip and we were all too happy to breathe in jet fuel on the tarmac just to get rid of the smell of what was on that plane.

Now, before you go all "don't be mean, Kerry" on me, all I am saying is that it is common courtesy to bathe when you are going to be in a confined area for a period of time.  If you can afford a plane ticket, you can afford a shower.  You don't even have to use deodorant or soap, water gets a lot of the stank off. Clean clothes also solve a lot of the problem.  

I'm just saying it was not pleasant and I'm so glad the flight was only just over an hour.   And that is my stank on a plane story.  What's the worst thing you've ever smelled?