Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Single and Hating It

Being a single parent sucks.  Sure, there's lots of positives and I'm single for good reason, but I can't even begin to tell you how lonely I am right now.  I reach out to my friends and everyone is busy.  Busy busy busy.  Well, I'm busy too but I always seem to be able to make time for my friends.

I was so excited to move to the north end of the city because that's where most of my friends live.  I actually see them less now - I'm just stuck out in the boonies with no one to hang out with but my son.  The one friend I did lots of stuff with lives way south and I don't see her much anymore.

I'm glad my friends have fulfilling lives, but I just wish there was a little room in their life for me.  I struggle so much and really don't have anyone to talk to.  I want Vaughn to grow up around other kids, lots of other kids.  He's a sweet, fun and gentle boy and I feel bad that he doesn't have a best friend because nobody has time for us.

Facebook is a horrible thing sometimes - nobody feels like they have to see people anymore because we live our lives so publicly.  Maybe if I wasn't on there people might actually call or stop by once in a while to see how we're doing.  

I'm just going through a blah phase - I know it's not me - people have lives and I get that.  It's just when everyone is so consumed with their world all at once and there we are - just a pair of misfits - it can't help but make me hurt.  

Plus I'm sad my work sister is leaving to move to Vancouver.  She's been my buddy for a long time and we are like 2 peas in a pod.  We go for lunch together almost every day and are good friends outside of work.  However, she has 5 kids so you can imagine how much I see her (not very is the correct answer).

Most of all, I miss having a companion.  Someone who is there at the end of the day to give me a hug and make me feel better.   Someone who tells me they liked what I made for dinner and someone else to look after Vaughn while I have a much-deserved night out.  I don't get that anymore unless I pay a babysitter $10/hour and actually have someone to do something with. I've done that once in the last 6 months and I went out with a client.  

I don't want anyone's pity, I just wanted to get my feelings down in my place.  What made this sadness come about is the most beautiful story of love that I witnessed over the weekend.

I walked in the Relay for Life and this year had the honour of being our team captain.   A chap from our IT department joined the team with his wife, who I came to learn was in remission from breast cancer for the second time.  Jimmy (not his real name) is very quiet at work.  He's a man of faith and is not afraid to share that with people.  When sharing the story of his wife's struggles, tears welled in his eyes.  You could tell there was pure love in that household.

We all got to the event and Jimmy and his wife started walking.  The rules of the relay are that someone from each team must be on the track at all times - there is no set time.  However, you're encouraged to walk as much as possible.  It rained off and on most of the night (mostly on) and Jimmy didn't just stroll or plod around the track - he walked with purpose.  He was a man on a mission, a hero for his wife who has suffered immensely.  He walked all night, stopping for bathroom breaks and nothing more.  He walked in the rain, without an umbrella.  He didn't stop until they announced the relay was over.

He made me believe in love again and at the same time made me profoundly sad because it was obvious I never had real love with Tim to begin with.  The real love I have is with my beautiful son and he's the best thing in my life.  But I yearn for the kind of love that Jimmy and his wife have - I want a man to walk all night in the hopes that my pain and the pain of others will end.

When you see something someone else has, it's hard not be jealous.  And when your friends all have amazing husbands and families they are busy with, it hurts.  I am happy for them, I truly am, I just wish I could have it too. 

I wish I was their kind of busy.