I can be pretty judgy at times. My judginess (or perceived judginess) got me in trouble this past year and I think I've lost some pretty good friendships because of it.
I am sitting trying to think what makes me so much better, and it's really not that. Judging comes from being uncomfortable in a situation and trying to make one feel better about one's self. It's so much easier to pick apart someone else than pick apart yourself.
I struggle a lot in my life to just chill the frig out, and it's hard. I've made a lot of mistakes in the past and I'm trying to be a good person for my son and for me. Not everything I do now is right but I'm trying. Some decisions I've made or things I've said or done have been taken the wrong way, but I do have the best of intentions.
I don't have the same life as a lot of my friends and I think that's also gotten in the way. I can't go out at the drop of a hat. I can't party until the crack of dawn - in fact, I'm lucky if I make it past 2 drinks. I feel like people have stopped asking me to go out because I can't always do what they want to do. But I try, and sometimes I wonder why people can't put their lives aside for a few hours when I ask them to do something so we can spend some time together.
I try too hard to be friends with everyone. I know that. I struggle with that. I want everyone to like me and often stretch myself too thin to be the one that people like. To my detriment. I know that not everyone will like me, but if I feel like I've offended someone, it's always me that apologizes even when I don't feel like I was in the wrong.
Not to say I don't have good friends, because I do. I have amazing friends. Some of them are new and some are old but all are cherished. If I don't tell my friends enough how much they mean to me, that's my bad.
So why write this now? Well, I've had one particular friend in the past while who I thought had become very close but she is now being very distant. Her friendship means a lot to me and I wonder what I've done or if I've done something or if it's nothing to do with me at all. So I started thinking about other friendships and how I almost never hear from some people and yet seem to talk to others all the time.
All I'm trying to say is that it's hard to think a relationship matters more to me than it does to the other person and it's really hard for me to let go. I get really emotionally invested in people and it hurts when they can take me or leave me.
So, 2011, I'm going to try and just focus on the friends who are good for me and try so hard to just let go if someone is obviously just not that into me. Easier said than done, but I'm going to give it a go.
Peace.
