Sorry

Today more than any other day so far I feel sorry that I chose the father I did for my son. 

Since we split up I've been trying so hard to make sure that T. is a part of Vaughn's life.  I bought a new car so he could have my old one to travel and see our son. I let him come over on his days to spend time with Vaughn and I would go out of the house.  I let him pay me whenever he could because it was better than nothing and neither one of us wanted to go to court.  I never asked for much except that my son's father love our child and spend quality time with him.

I'm increasingly getting more and more disappointed with T.'s inability to get his shit together and just be a good daddy.  He is still living in a guy's spare room and seemingly has no desire to get his own place where Vaughn can go stay with him.  He keeps saying he wants to buy his own place and isn't moving out until that happens.  He says he is trying to save money but he has to pay me so much he is never going to save up enough.  I want nothing more than for him to get his own place, but I fear that is never going to happen.  I don't know if T. even knows how to live on his own. 

Money aside, the thing I'm most disappointed about is that T. is on holidays right now and has been for a week and has seen his son 1 day.  I took Vaughn to my aunt and uncle's place for 2 days for Christmas and T. didn't even call him to wish him a Merry Christmas.  Nothing.  My son didn't hear from his daddy on one of the most special days in a child's life.  Tim didn't send a gift, give a gift or contribute in any way to make Vaughn's Christmas morning happy.  That was done by my family and me.

Today, I was going to drop Vaughn off at 3 so T. could see him and when I sent him a text to confirm times, I got a message back saying he had to cancel today because he had been drinking since 10 AM with his roommate. 

So once again I had to cover for T. because I'm trying to protect my son. Right now, at this time, my son is blissfully unaware of what day of the week he is supposed to see his daddy and for how long.  It's not going to be too long though until he looks at a calendar and sees it's his day with dad and realizes that he doesn't see him as much as he should or for the length of time we agreed upon. 

Funnily enough, I feel sorry for Tim too.  He has no idea what he is missing out on or how much he is fucking up.  Children need someone to look up to and someone to model themselves after.  The last thing I want my son to be is a part-time person in someone's life who feels he can cancel at the last minute or not show up because he "doesn't feel like it". 

I want my son to be a man of honour; a hard-working, genuine, honest man. I want my son to think of others before himself and how his actions effect the people around him.  I also want to stop crying for him because he's so innocent and doesn't realize what is happening.  When I decided to become a parent, I was all-in. 

I know I'm not alone - I am beyond lucky to have the friends and family in my life that I do.  Without them, I don't know what I would do.

I just feel sorry for my little boy and wish I could have done a better job picking his daddy.

Poolside Conversation

So today Vaughn was at his swimming lesson and all 7 kids were wearing life jackets and holding on to their teacher's arms while he was walking across the pool with them.  It was so stinking cute I grabbed my cell phone to take a picture.  At which point one of the moms said "Uh, do you have every parent's permission to take a picture?  You didn't ask me so I don't think you should take the picture".

Pardon?

I then looked at her and asked her why she would say that.  She said she didn't know what I was going to do with the picture and she didn't want her child's face all over the internet.

I suppose I get that, but I also know that we're not in the same circle of friends and chances of someone she knows seeing her kid with my kid are pretty small.  And who cares if they do anyways?  They are 7 sweet little babes all having a blast - who doesn't love pictures of happy kids? 

I said that newspapers don't get permission before they publish pictures of crowds, news cameras don't run around getting waivers before interviewing passersby on the street.  I also said that last time Vaughn was in lessons I posted a picture on the pool's facebook page and didn't get any backlash.  In fact, I got comments about how much fun it looked like the kids were having. I got a dirty look at which point I made a comment about what society has become.

A few minutes later, one of the ladies I have been sat beside for the past few days got on the topic of "kids these days" and she said kids have too much power and can report spanking as abuse.

That got me a little riled up, as I have given Vaughn a smack on the ass on more than one occasion.  It has always been to correct behaviour and remind him that he needs to listen to mommy.  I don't haul off and beat him and I certainly don't do it with anything but my hand. 

Ms Politically Correct then told me that I could be charged by the police for spanking my son.  For real?  I told her to go ahead and call the police - it would be a waste of their time.  My son is well provided for, I love him fiercely and anyone who knows me knows that I am trying my damndest to make sure my son is not an asshole.  I am teaching him to be respectful and kind to others. 

I think there are kids who cry abuse - those ones are looking for attention and don't know how else to get it.  Or they may genuinely be abused, but typically, the ones who are abused don't say much.  Kids who don't get their way and strike out make sure that legitimate cases of abuse go uninvestigated because of their ability to work the system.

Other mommy then went on to tell me that in her Sunday School Nursery if an 18 month old baby is crying they are not allowed to touch them to comfort them - they have to get the child's parents.  I wanted to ask her what kind of church she belonged to because where I come from, people are allowed to hold crying babies.  In fact, just the other day, I was at the mall with my friend and her toddler and newborn.  Her toddler overshot a jump and hit her face on a wall.  My friend was breastfeeding and I immediately cuddled her girl and kissed her head to make her feel better.  My friend was grateful I was there to soothe her babe.  One would think the fellowship of a church would allow the same comfort. 

How do children learn trust and community if we tell them everyone is horrible and out to get them?  I'm trying to teach Vaughn to be cautious, but I love his emerging personality.  I see a leader in him, he is so gentle and loving with babies and other kids.  He knows how to make people smile and is charming.  So I give him a smack on the ass every now and again - I feel it's warranted and I don't need to hear that I'm abusing my son.  Get a grip lady. 

Next thing I know, the kids are on their way back across the pool on Colton's arms and 2 of the other moms are snapping away with their cameras.  I looked at Ms. Politically Correct and told her she better go get them to delete their pictures.  Grandma snorted but the mother who never ever once ever has spanked her child gave me a shut up look.

Making friends all over the place.

I understand we have our differences when it comes to parenting, but I sincerely believe we have gone too far the other way.  Children need boundaries, need discipline and in my case, an occasional tap on the rear.  I know it's not best to spank out of anger, but I do it to get my son's attention.  It works for me. It doesn't work for everyone, but it works for me.  I'm actually at the point now where I just need to ask Vaughn if he needs a smack and he knows he has to correct his behaviour. If he doesn't, he knows there is a consequence. 

Of course, I had to do a little research when I got home.  Turns out that Canada has a law that allows parents and guardians to use moderate force when deemed necessary if it is to correct or modify a child's behaviour.

Oh what?  You mean I'm allowed to parent my child?  Phew!

Mean Girls

My friend Candice is in town.  I used to play rugby with her and we became quite close.  She moved away to London, England and right now is of no fixed address as she gets to travel the world and have some great experiences.  For example, she got to dance in the opening ceremonies of the Olympics.  How many people do you know that can say that?

The problem with her being here such a short time is that she doesn't get to see all of her friends one on one and wanted to get a group of people together for a dinner last night.  When I saw a few of the ladies that were going, my heart went up into my throat a little.

You see, I used to play rugby with these gals.  I thought we were all friends, but it came to light when I moved back to Calgary 5 years ago that apparently we were not.  That hit me hard - one of the girls even said she didn't have the energy for the type of friendship we had.  WHAT?  I still don't get that.  And I know I'm the topic of conversation occasionally with that group of friends - hard to know that I'm the butt of their jokes and not able to defend myself.

So, fast forward to last night.  I was obviously there to see Candice and not the mean girls and was hoping that enough people would be there and I wouldn't have to interact too much with them.  Not so.  Candice's one other friend showed up but she was very late and had 2 small children in tow.  Vaughn was actually close to where we were but with Tim so I didn't have him to offer as a distraction either.

It actually went quite well I thought.  Who knows, they might have had all kinds of things to say about me after I left, but I'm in such a different place right now and have such an awesome life that I felt very confident and didn't give a shit whether they like me or not.  It was extremely liberating and refreshing. 

Maybe the fact that I had such a great afternoon helped me too - I had a follow up visit with my surgeon yesterday.  My liver levels have gone right back down to normal, I've lost 16 kg (36 lbs) and I feel fantastic!  I just came back from a lovely vacation with my gorgeous son and my job couldn't be going better.  Life is good and I don't have time for mean girls. 

I just don't have the energy for that type of friendship. HA!

Helicopter

Vaughn started swimming lessons on Monday morning.  First time doing something unparented - he's growing up so fast!!  He started in the Sea Otter class and will move to Salamander and then Sunfish and that will be it for the summer.

I decided to take him to an outdoor pool for lessons.  I grew up with an outdoor pool - swimming was a summer thing.  I don't really like indoor pools, as they are never refreshing, smell of chlorine and are incredibly noisy. 

One of the reasons I gave when asked why I didn't want to be a parent was that I would have to go where there are other people's children.  Now I've changed my mind - I don't like going to these places because of other children's parents.

There are 2 particular mothers of kids in Vaughn's class that need to reread the lesson policies they signed off on. Rule 6 states:

"Parents and other children are asked to sit at least 12 feet away from the pool edge/deck so adequate space is available for teaching groups & instructors""

Yesterday, one mom stood at the edge of the deck talking to her son and the teacher the whole time.  The. Whole. Time. Today, same mother and her friend were sitting about 2 feet away from the edge of the pool and in the middle of the class, one mother started talking to the teacher because she thought her precious little swimming angel was too advanced for the class and could he move to the next level?  Seriously?  Shut it off and talk to the instructor after the class is over.

The kids are in a class.  A CLASS - this means you go somewhere and let the teacher teach.  I'm so happy your kid can put his head under the water, but his flutter kicks are crap and trust me, he's not THAT advanced.  I used to teach swimming lessons and no fear does not equal a wonderful swimmer.

And other lady - if your kid is going to scream when someone even looks at him, maybe you should remove yourself so he doesn't get the attention he is so obviously used to getting.  Or wait a little while to put him in lessons.  It's disruptive.  You're disruptive - having the whole class wait while you try and appease your child is annoying. 

Could you please also both stand back?  A half hour isn't too long to let your child go and have fun with a group of other kids.  I know it's hard - but you have to let the instructor deal with it.  If you don't, your kids will never respect authority and then we're all in for a world full of entitled little brats.

Okay, I feel better now.  I have to go let my kid run in traffic.

Kidding.

Single and Hating It

Being a single parent sucks.  Sure, there's lots of positives and I'm single for good reason, but I can't even begin to tell you how lonely I am right now.  I reach out to my friends and everyone is busy.  Busy busy busy.  Well, I'm busy too but I always seem to be able to make time for my friends.

I was so excited to move to the north end of the city because that's where most of my friends live.  I actually see them less now - I'm just stuck out in the boonies with no one to hang out with but my son.  The one friend I did lots of stuff with lives way south and I don't see her much anymore.

I'm glad my friends have fulfilling lives, but I just wish there was a little room in their life for me.  I struggle so much and really don't have anyone to talk to.  I want Vaughn to grow up around other kids, lots of other kids.  He's a sweet, fun and gentle boy and I feel bad that he doesn't have a best friend because nobody has time for us.

Facebook is a horrible thing sometimes - nobody feels like they have to see people anymore because we live our lives so publicly.  Maybe if I wasn't on there people might actually call or stop by once in a while to see how we're doing.  

I'm just going through a blah phase - I know it's not me - people have lives and I get that.  It's just when everyone is so consumed with their world all at once and there we are - just a pair of misfits - it can't help but make me hurt.  

Plus I'm sad my work sister is leaving to move to Vancouver.  She's been my buddy for a long time and we are like 2 peas in a pod.  We go for lunch together almost every day and are good friends outside of work.  However, she has 5 kids so you can imagine how much I see her (not very is the correct answer).

Most of all, I miss having a companion.  Someone who is there at the end of the day to give me a hug and make me feel better.   Someone who tells me they liked what I made for dinner and someone else to look after Vaughn while I have a much-deserved night out.  I don't get that anymore unless I pay a babysitter $10/hour and actually have someone to do something with. I've done that once in the last 6 months and I went out with a client.  

I don't want anyone's pity, I just wanted to get my feelings down in my place.  What made this sadness come about is the most beautiful story of love that I witnessed over the weekend.

I walked in the Relay for Life and this year had the honour of being our team captain.   A chap from our IT department joined the team with his wife, who I came to learn was in remission from breast cancer for the second time.  Jimmy (not his real name) is very quiet at work.  He's a man of faith and is not afraid to share that with people.  When sharing the story of his wife's struggles, tears welled in his eyes.  You could tell there was pure love in that household.

We all got to the event and Jimmy and his wife started walking.  The rules of the relay are that someone from each team must be on the track at all times - there is no set time.  However, you're encouraged to walk as much as possible.  It rained off and on most of the night (mostly on) and Jimmy didn't just stroll or plod around the track - he walked with purpose.  He was a man on a mission, a hero for his wife who has suffered immensely.  He walked all night, stopping for bathroom breaks and nothing more.  He walked in the rain, without an umbrella.  He didn't stop until they announced the relay was over.

He made me believe in love again and at the same time made me profoundly sad because it was obvious I never had real love with Tim to begin with.  The real love I have is with my beautiful son and he's the best thing in my life.  But I yearn for the kind of love that Jimmy and his wife have - I want a man to walk all night in the hopes that my pain and the pain of others will end.

When you see something someone else has, it's hard not be jealous.  And when your friends all have amazing husbands and families they are busy with, it hurts.  I am happy for them, I truly am, I just wish I could have it too. 

I wish I was their kind of busy.

Proud

Well all 2 of you that might read this - chances are you already know what has happened in my life since July, but I guess I might as well make it real and put it in writing...

In late July, I came home from a week's vacation with Vaughn in Montana to find out that Tim had been unfaithful.  He swears it was only one time, but if he lied to me about what happened, why wouldn't he lie about whether it was more than once?  I can put up with a lot of things, but if I can't trust him, I can't be with him.

So August 1, my life changed forever when Tim moved all of his things out.  Our split was suprisingly amicable, and we still remain good friends.  We have to, we have a really special little boy that we are both parents to, and Vaughn doesn't deserve us fighting.  What's done is done, Tim is sorry and I know that.  

It was really difficult at first, I cried a lot, I still cry.  I never thought in a million years that Tim would cheat on me. I thought I was a good wife, a good mother and a good friend.  He continually tries to tell me it was because he was drunk, but I don't believe that.  Too many things have to happen before you end up in bed with someone else, and I think he wanted to do it and didn't think he would get caught.  Surprise, you're caught.  And now there's consequences.  I think for the first time in his life, he's realized that when he screws up, he'll have to pay for it.  

I decided to still go through with the condo purchase - I qualifed on my own so why shouldn't I?  Why should my whole life stop because the man I loved stepped out on me?  My son deserves a good life and I want to be the one to give it to him.

I had a family reunion a week after Tim left - it was really embarrassing and emotional.  I found a lot of comfort talking to my cuzzies and my Auntie Donna - family really is awesome and I'm so glad they were there to listen and help.  It was so good to meet some of my family from Australia and New Zealand as well - some of them I haven't seen for a long time and met some for the first time as well.  That weekend rocked the party!

In September I decided I wanted a new vehicle.  I was trying to find one that suited me and saw this little car buzzing around and loved it.  It was a Nissan Juke.  I did my research on line and decided that was the car for me.  Two days later I was going on a test drive and two days after that, I was picking up my brand new car.  Happy birthday to me!

October was great - I spent almost a week in Seattle and Portland and it was so nice to spend time with David and Gonzalo.  Gosh I miss those two - they are so easy, so fun and I've never had somebody who knows absolutely everything about me and still loves me like David does.  Friends like David are hard to come by and most valuable.

I have other amazing friends too - I don't think I could have gotten through this whole thing without my friends.  I was a little disappointed in my family - nobody really seemed to understand that my life was falling apart and I was having trouble keeping it together.  Of course, after I put something on facebook that it was just me and Vaughn, people sure wanted to know what was going on but nobody called me to check on me or see how I was coping.  That hurt.

I have friends though that dropped everything to come and hang out with me, listened as I cried and kept me busy so I didn't dwell on all the negativity.  I've always said friends are the family you choose and boy, I chose some good family. 

Tim through all of this though has been a tremendous daddy to his son.  I think it hit him hard and he realized he took our life for granted.  He spends time with Vaughn at every opportunity, shows up even when he's not "supposed" to and is all too happy to come and stay with him if I need to go on a work trip.  He's involved, interested and really made himself an important person in Vaughn's life. 

I don't know what the future holds for me and Tim, but my true friends are the ones who have told me they will support me no matter what.  And that's the message I'm getting.  Of course, it will be hard for people to forgive him, as none of my friends (except Leah) have seen Tim since all of this went down - he's so embarrassed about what happened and just not sure how people will treat him.  He knows he doesn't deserve forgiveness but if he really truly does change and that is what is in the cards for us, then I hope my friends can get past it and move on with us.

Which brings me to yesterday.  When Jen, Jason and I were out partying in Vegas a few weeks back, Jen and I decided we were going to get tattoos.  Alas, we were unable to but the idea didn't leave me.  I haven't had a tattoo in a long time and so much has happened I wanted to do something to remember it by.  I also knew that I was extremely proud of myself for a lot of things - 6 years ago I had creditors calling me constantly and I was avoiding their phone calls at work, it was so stressful.  I have worked really hard to get myself out of that black hole and never thought I would drive a new car again, let alone be a home owner.  I did all by myself - I worked really hard to earn commissions to help me pay down my debt.  I could have told Tim he had just "one more chance" because I knew just how hard it is to be a single parent.  How many "one more chances" can you give someone? I will not be treated like that and will not be taken advantage of. And there's more too, but only those closest to me know anything and ever will know the whole story.

Suffice it to say, at the end of it all, I am proud of myself.  I have screwed up beyond belief, but I'm still here, and I am doing it.  So my tattoo had to speak for my pride and what is more proud than a peacock?  I was going to get a whole peacock done, but then Jen wrote me an e-mail saying something about my feather earrings that I have and it was then I decided on a single peacock feather.

So my tattoo is a beautiful, colourful, and artsy peacock feather.  It is there to remind me to be proud of myself, despite my shortcomings.



Quite pretty isn't it?  Paul at The Arthouse did a great job, despite missing our consultation on Wednesday and starting it late on Friday night.  He is a perfectionist, a great listener and a true artist.  I'm looking forward to seeing him again in a few months when I get my paisley yin-yang tattoo to cover my tattoo on my right arm.

Tonight I am going to help celebrate Jason's 30th birthday.  I think there will be tequila, but I'm not sure...

Relay For Life

Last night was an emotional one for me.  I entered the Relay for Life with 10 friends from work.  We raised over $10,000 and you could just feel the love everywhere.  I was honoured to speak for our group at 2:00 AM - we were asked to talk to how our group got together and why we were relaying.  Here's my speech:

I have yet to meet a person whose life has not been touched in some way, shape or form by cancer. Whether you are or know a survivor, have lost someone close to you or know someone who is currently receiving treatment, it affects you deeply. That is the reason we are here today – to support, understand and try to help as best we can.

I have been with Cole International for 6 years now. My position has always been a “salesy” one and much of what I need to know in order to sell my company is what makes us different than our competitors and also what makes us a great company to work for. That’s an easy answer – it’s the people. If you don’t have good work mates chances are you are not going to like your job and your clients will suffer because of it.

We have people like Lorna – someone who never asks much of anyone but does so much. She is the “go-to” person for so many things and enjoys arranging events for the office to get together in a more social setting. You give her a project, it’s done. Her patience, kindness and willingness to just step in is hard to come by and appreciated probably more than she knows.

Also with the Cole Crusaders are Vickie and Kim from our Edmonton office. Both of these women work under a lot of pressure, but you would never know it. They always have time for a chat and make you feel like you’re on the top of their “to-do” list. Every customer (both internal and external) knows that they matter, and it’s because they do.

Walking with us today is Lori – a mom to 2 boys. Lori’s infectious personality has been a great addition to our office. If you can listen a mile a minute you’ll have a great conversation with her. I know she’s so proud to be on this team, and we’re proud to have her.

Tammy has been described to me as a hard worker, responsible, intelligent and dependable coworker. I have also been told she deserves a raise. When Tammy is not at work, she is devoted to her family. She loves doing crafts and sewing (as is apparent by the capes she whipped up in a weekend for our team) and is so excited for the camping trips she’ll be taking this summer in her new trailer. As we walk tonight, her mother will be on our mind. Cancer took Tammy’s mom last year and I’m sure this walk is most personal for her because of it.

We have Joy – a lady who does not say much, but also doesn’t miss much either. Joy is bright, warm, and her clients adore her. Joy is always smiling and really fun to talk to if you get the chance.

 

I got to know Betty-Jean a lot better this past weekend at our Cole Family Camping Trip. BJ is a punk rock girl at heart, so you know she’s good people. She has lived a life you usually only hear about but because of that is grounded, wise and accepting of people’s differences. She has an ability to make you feel comfortable and I get the feeling nothing would surprise her. We love having BJ at our company.

Shelley is a real straight shooter and would give you the shirt off her back. Shelley loves her dogs and her daughter (in no particular order). Kidding aside, Shelley is very proud of her daughter and her accomplishments. Shelley lost her mom to cancer when she was just 15 so it’s not hard to figure out why she would be here with us today.

 

Lisa is very outgoing and loves to share (especially bringing in treats for her coworkers). Outside of work, Lisa is a soccer mom and a hockey mom to her 5 year old son Riley. She also loves to spend time plucking weeds out of her garden.

Last year, right after the Relay for Life, our team captain Pat lost her friend Trudy. With true resolve to beat this disease, Pat and her husband Ron entered the team again this year. They are both so giving, patient and have tried really hard to beat my boyfriend and I at crib but just can’t seem to do it. I never hear Pat lose her cool, even though she has a job that one would understand if it happened. She works so well with her clients and the staff at the branches she oversees. Ron is an easy-going take-it-as-it-comes kind of guy. How they have the dog with the disposition she has is beyond me, but I sure do enjoy sitting down with these two. Thanks Pat for organizing this and rounding us all up to help you.

I guess because I offered to speak this is also my opportunity to explain why I’m walking. I know my story is just one of millions, but my mom is one in a million and it’s my honour to speak of her tonight.

I was just 20 years old when I got a phone call from my mom and dad. I was living in Edmonton and they were home in Saskatchewan. I had just talked to them the day before so I knew something was up. My mom told me that her doctor had found a lump in her breast and it was cancer. She needed a mastectomy and while they were performing the surgery, also had to remove the lymph glands in her underarm because there was a concern the cancer might spread.

 

I took a trip home that summer because I wanted to be with my mom. It just happened to be during the time she was doing chemo and I accompanied my parents into Regina for the day. I’m sure many of you have been in a room where people are getting their chemotherapy treatments, but as a 20 year old self-absorbed young lady, let me tell you, that was one of the most impactful memories that will stay with me.

There were maybe 20 people in the room of varying ages, all sitting in a chair that was meant to give them as much comfort as possible. Each one was sitting with an IV attached to them and what looked like enormous bags hanging from a pole. Not a one was smiling, no one was looking at anyone else and there was a pall of sadness over the room. When a girl who was younger than me walked in and sat down in one of those comfy chairs, it hit me and it really hit me hard. Everything became so real to me and I ran from the room with tears streaming down my face. I wasn’t ready to lose my mom.

Fortunately, the treatment worked and my mom recovered over the next 5 or 6 years. Year 7 came – the year you are officially declared “CANCER FREE”. Well, fate wasn’t so kind and this time I was living in Seattle when the call came. Another mastectomy. I flew to Calgary and drove down to visit Mom in the hospital. It seems as though her mental state was better the second time around and she was able to cope with what was happening. No chemo this time, just pills.

I’m lucky. I still have my mom. For all our ups and downs, she loves me. She’s proud of me. I know this now.

I have a son, a beautiful 2 year old little boy. I want him to know a world free from pain and free from disease. I walk tonight as a tribute to my mother but also as a hope for my child. For me, it’s all about family – the family I couldn’t choose and the family I have the privilege to work with every day – my Cole family.

I know everyone has a story and I thank you for letting me share a little bit of mine.