Sorry

Today more than any other day so far I feel sorry that I chose the father I did for my son. 

Since we split up I've been trying so hard to make sure that T. is a part of Vaughn's life.  I bought a new car so he could have my old one to travel and see our son. I let him come over on his days to spend time with Vaughn and I would go out of the house.  I let him pay me whenever he could because it was better than nothing and neither one of us wanted to go to court.  I never asked for much except that my son's father love our child and spend quality time with him.

I'm increasingly getting more and more disappointed with T.'s inability to get his shit together and just be a good daddy.  He is still living in a guy's spare room and seemingly has no desire to get his own place where Vaughn can go stay with him.  He keeps saying he wants to buy his own place and isn't moving out until that happens.  He says he is trying to save money but he has to pay me so much he is never going to save up enough.  I want nothing more than for him to get his own place, but I fear that is never going to happen.  I don't know if T. even knows how to live on his own. 

Money aside, the thing I'm most disappointed about is that T. is on holidays right now and has been for a week and has seen his son 1 day.  I took Vaughn to my aunt and uncle's place for 2 days for Christmas and T. didn't even call him to wish him a Merry Christmas.  Nothing.  My son didn't hear from his daddy on one of the most special days in a child's life.  Tim didn't send a gift, give a gift or contribute in any way to make Vaughn's Christmas morning happy.  That was done by my family and me.

Today, I was going to drop Vaughn off at 3 so T. could see him and when I sent him a text to confirm times, I got a message back saying he had to cancel today because he had been drinking since 10 AM with his roommate. 

So once again I had to cover for T. because I'm trying to protect my son. Right now, at this time, my son is blissfully unaware of what day of the week he is supposed to see his daddy and for how long.  It's not going to be too long though until he looks at a calendar and sees it's his day with dad and realizes that he doesn't see him as much as he should or for the length of time we agreed upon. 

Funnily enough, I feel sorry for Tim too.  He has no idea what he is missing out on or how much he is fucking up.  Children need someone to look up to and someone to model themselves after.  The last thing I want my son to be is a part-time person in someone's life who feels he can cancel at the last minute or not show up because he "doesn't feel like it". 

I want my son to be a man of honour; a hard-working, genuine, honest man. I want my son to think of others before himself and how his actions effect the people around him.  I also want to stop crying for him because he's so innocent and doesn't realize what is happening.  When I decided to become a parent, I was all-in. 

I know I'm not alone - I am beyond lucky to have the friends and family in my life that I do.  Without them, I don't know what I would do.

I just feel sorry for my little boy and wish I could have done a better job picking his daddy.